The Parable of the Jelly Donut

by Hermotimus Boukephalos

Once upon a time a man was minding his own business when a Great Man approached him and handed him a jelly donut.

Now, the man wasn't hungry, and he didn't particularly want a jelly donut - he certainly hadn't asked the Great Man for the jelly donut (had he been asking, he would've asked for a chocolate donut). But people said the Great Man knew what you really wanted and needed, even if you didn't (he was, after all, "the Great Man" on all matters, including that), and so the man meekly accepted the gift. "Thank you for this jelly donut, great Man," he said.

The man went on about his way, carrying the jelly donut. People who claimed to be Authorities on the Great Man said to him that he should be grateful for the donut bestowed on him by the Great Man. "I did say 'thank you,'" the man replied.

"Did you say, 'Thank you, Great Man, for the rich red raspberry filling'?" they asked.

"Uh, no, not specifically."

"Did you say, 'Thank you, Great Man, for the beautiful pink icing and the colorful sprinkles on top'?"

"Um… no," the man answered. "You know, honestly, I don't care for sprinkles on a donut. They don't really have any flavor, and sometimes they get stuck between my teeth. And the icing is beginning to melt and run all over my fingers."

"Oh, you wicked, ungrateful man!" shouted the Authorities. "The jelly donut is a gift from the Great Man, and it is your responsibility to take care of it!"

"'Take care of it'?" the man asked. "I was going to eat it."

"Oh no! The gift of the jelly donut is in itself proof of what a Great Man the Great Man is, and it belongs to Him to decide what to do with it. You must not give in to your lustful appetites and wantonly consume the gift! You must take care of it and hold it up as an example of His greatness!"

So the man listened to the Authorities, and carried around the jelly donut as a sign of the Great Man's great generosity. The Authorities showed up from time to time to remind him that he must repeatedly say "Thank you, Great Man" for the gift of the jelly donut.

Naturally, the jelly donut began to go stale after a few days. The pink icing got all runny and dribbled, not only all over his fingers, but onto other people the man was in contact with. When the man asked the Authorities about the problem of the runny icing, he was told it was part of the Great Man's plan, and that the fact that ordinary people couldn't see the wonder and good of runny icing didn't mean that it wasn't a Great thing - it must be Great - it came from the Great Man. Still, other people didn't see the runny icing as a wonderful thing, part of the gift, when it dribbled on their carpet and stained their furniture - they became angry at the man for dribbling sticky icing on their things.

And the Great Man did a strange thing from time to time: He would come upon the man, walking along, carrying his jelly donut, and would sprinkle ants on the donut. The man took the ant-infested donut to the Authorities. "The Great Man surely intends that I throw away the donut, now" he said. "Look, He has put ants on it."

"The ants are just the Great Man's way of testing you, to see how much you cherish the magnificent gift He has presented you. Don't you dare show your disregard for the jelly donut - pick off the ants."

So, taking care of the jelly donut soon began to take all of the man's time - picking ants off the icing, trying to poke the now-rancid raspberry jelly back in, where it had oozed out of holes eaten by the ants, retrieving sprinkles that had fallen off the donut. Once, the Great man stuck out a foot as the man walked by, tripping him. The man picked up the jelly donut, cried a bit, then said, "Thank you, Great Man, for the gift of this jelly donut," as he brushed off the gravel and dust from the donut and continued on his way. Still, despite his best efforts, the donut was really becoming disgusting.

Searching for an understanding of this all-consuming task, the man went to listen to the Authorities.

"Donut-care is a life of woe," said the Authorities. "Praise be to the Great Man who gives us these donuts." The Authorities recognized that, eventually, every donut would rot, or perhaps the Great Man would come take it back. But they differed about what happened after that. Some said that a person simply had a peaceful time, free of the cares of donut ownership. Some said that people who properly cared for their donuts eventually got to go to a pastry shop, where all the donuts were fresh and delicious. Still other Authorities said that a person was just given another donut, but if the person had done a good job taking care of this donut, then the next donut would be a better one.

One day, the man's donut simply fell apart. Maggots had long since consumed the jelly filling, and the hard dry shell of pastry crumbled into dust and sifted through his fingers. Ants scurried away with the last little bits of colored sprinkles. The man was sitting on the ground, staring at his empty, sticky hand, when the Great Man approached.

"Oh, Great Man, thank you again for the gift of the jelly donut," said the man.

"You're welcome," said the Great Man.

"But… may I ask a question? Why is it such a burden to carry a donut and care for it, only to have it rot in my hand?"

"I've been wondering about that, myself," said the Great Man. "Why on earth were you carrying that rotting donut around all these weeks?"

"The Authorities told me it was a gift from you, that I was obliged to take care of it for you until you took it back."

"Uh... yeah. It was a GIFT. I GAVE it to you. It was YOURS. To give it away, to throw it away, to say 'Thanks but no thanks.' To EAT it, for God's sake! I can't think of a more stupid thing to do with something perishable than to carry it around, trying to make it last as long as possible, instead of enjoying it while it's fresh and, if it gets stale before you finish it, to discard it." The Great Man looked disgusted.

"But the Authorities told me the donut really belonged to you, that I was just a steward of your gift," said the man, looking distraught.

"That's another thing. You go around thanking me all the time for this donut. If it belongs to me, and you're taking care of it for me, shouldn't I be the one thanking you? I mean, if I go out of town for a few days and ask my neighbor to feed the cat for me, I don't expect the neighbor to send me a 'Thank You' card for it."

"But how was I to know it was alright for me to discard the donut?" The man was almost frantic now at the thought of all the pointless effort.

"Well, you could begin with common sense. And it's not like I didn't try to help you get rid of the donut - I sprinkled ants on it! I tripped you and made you drop it in the dirt! What does it take for you to get the hint and just let go of it?"